How to become a Zombie Survival Analyst

If there is always a little voice at the back of your mind scratching away at your sub-concious when you walk past a building with high walls and an automatic gate with thoughts like “those walls are big enough to keep out the horde.”, then you too have the raw talents of a budding Zombie Survival Analyst [ZSA].

Don’t worry if you feel these talents are going to waste, this guide is designed to hone those rough edged skills down to razor sharp edges in preperation for Z-Day, detailing various methods and instances when your growing skills at Zombie survival will come into play.

1. Infection

There are many theories on how the infection is passed, and what the infection itself actually is.

One common and widely held belief, brought to most prominence through George A. Romero’s multiple works on Zombie fiction and film, that the ‘infection’ is germ-based, travelling through a bite, scratch, or the blood of an infected entering a wound or an orifice of one who is not.

Author Steven King, established in The Book Of The Dead (1989 Anthology) the alternative view that once the infection in its form arrives (in this case in a presumably alien construct orbiting the earth) dead bodies who passed before the initial outbreak, aswell as those killed in the following chaos, begin to reanimate.

With this area of thought, rather than the common Shot to the Head theory (see point 4. How to end the whole mess) to kill a member of the horde, every part of the Zombie has to be destroyed as, even when seperated, each part has its own ‘afterlife’ . All dead in this scenario come ‘back’ to life, whereas popular modern theories support the idea that only those who become infected through contraction of the ‘virus’ re-animate after death.

Some ZSA’s believe that the infection itself affects the brain, altering the mind set of the infected individual into a permanent, animal rage. Alex Garland is the most notable figure supporting this theory, in his screenplay 28 Days Later (Film: Danny Boyle) although similarities through infection remain, the infected of this rabies-type plague possess a strong, murderous rage and retain a degree of strength and agility, unlike Romero’s slower, sluggish Zombies whose dead muscles are literally rotting away, making them easier to avoid.

Garland’s Zombie’s also appeared to retain some faculties of thought, suggesting that although the mind is deep in a red fog of hot rage there is some degree of human consideration going on, albeit only controlling levels of the extreme rage they suffer, rather than controlling the rage at all. Romero, on the other hand, supports the belief that the Zombie mind, if any, is set on one thing: consuming flesh. Interestingly the Zombie hoard are known to learn to recognize sound and movement as sources of prospective food/flesh.

This one common denomiter is clear: A germ-based plague triggering a hunger/strong desire for flesh/blood, most available in human form.

In an interesting aside, pioneering Zombie Author, Richard Matheson, describes in his first novel what makes up a typical Zombie apocalypse, but the horde are vampires with all the regular attributes. However, in the Francis Lawrence‘s film adaption with the same name, the horde are a mix of Garland’s ‘rage’ zombies with Matheson’s vampire attributes (some faculty of thought, agility, strength plus allergy to UV and desire for blood rather than flesh).

Comic writer populising Zombie fiction through his famous graphic novel-come-tv series, Robert Kirkman, also supports the traditional Romeroesque view of a slow, sluggish, brain-dead Zombie following the same rules of infection.

2. Recognising members of The Horde.

Now as the days go by and the flesh of those who have succumbed to the infection, in whatever form, begins to rot from their bodies (or deteriorate due to lack of sustanence) the members of the horde will be easier to recognise (Think Michael Jackson’s music video to Thriller), however its those first few days after the first instance of infection no deterioration or even any damaged/infected areas may be visible.

With you ZSA common sense you will already be on your toes, looking for any telltale give aways, depending on the type of infection we are dealing with (which we will whittle down to Matheson, Romero, and Garland Zombies, disregarding King due to insufficient works relating to his theories) there are different signs that reveal the infected.

Matheson Zombies:

• Not Zombies at all, but Vampires.
• Allergic to UV rays (i.e. the sun, can only come out at night) so possess pale skin.
• Complete faculties of thought, language, consideration, etc.
• Pass bacteria infection through bite
• Desire for human blood, in some cases this desire can be controlled – also once this is controlled day-walking can be practiced.

Romero Zombies:

• Easiest to recognise.
• Pass bacteria infection through bite, scratch or contact with contaminated blood, slowly killing the victim who immediately re-animateds after death. Time until death after bite depends on severity of wound/health of victim.
• Once infected are most visibly ‘dead’ with the eyes paling, the skin greying, generally have bites/wounds on show that one could not sustain and live.
• Often appear confused, emit low moans and collide with obvious objects such as doors, walls and other zombies.
• Rather than use speed, strength and agility the Romero Zombie overpowers uninfected by sheer weight of numbers – The Horde.
• Immediate muscle deterioration, become slow and sluggish, and loss of all faculties of thought except:
• A strong desire for human flesh.
• Kirkman’s Zombies in The Walking Dead comic book series also mirror these characteristics.

Note: in Romero’s most recent movie Land of the Dead  set in the the post-apocalyptic Zombie future, surviving Zombies seem to evolve into a state where thought faculties begin to return and they develop the ability to learn, organise and follow ‘orders’. This idea, thankfully, has not been developed upon, although an example of this idea cropping up in further texts/video can be argued when, for example, a zombie see’s another zombie heading for what it believes to be food/cover food (door) and follows suit, thus beginning a hording of walking dead.

Garland Zombie

• Immediate transformation after contact with contaminated material/bacteria through bite, scratch or contact with blood (blood into open wound, eye, mouth, nose, or any orifice).
• Possess rabies-like rage.
• Possess incredible speed and strength after initial infection.
• Easily recognisable at close proximity through bloodshot eyes, giving appearance of literally ‘seeing red’, and throthing at mouth/salivating heavily.
• Difficult to establish at a glance/distance when weakened and slower as appear like uninfected  (small/no visible wounds, slower than recently infected).
• Strong desire for human flesh/murder.

4. Ending the whole mess.

For most, a single shot to the head, thus destroying the nerve centre of the mindless creature. Burning/dismemberment through explosive detonation may suffice in some cases, but risk is run here of a bite by  still animated head/upper body (anti-personel mines don’t kill, just dismember, which equals crawlers – Z Wars, Max Brooks). This will certainly work for a Romero Zombie, Garland Zombies infected by their specific plague in practice can be killed in any regular way as they are not re-animated dead but possessing a rabies-like disease, but I’d still go for the head (quickest route to sick-tory). This can be achieved by blunt instrument, sharp instrument, cutting off circulation to the brain through strangulation/drowning, and the classic shot the head.

5. Places of Interest.

You will need to have a pre-organised list of places and areas that will afford you with protection, help you to avoid detection, but also have readily available resourses nearby (mainly food and water).

Remember, the outbreak could be at any time and you could be in any place so there has to be generic properties to this list that can be found anywhere, any time. Let us address a few of these requisits.

• Access to water: no more plumbing I’m afraid once the workers at the water processing plant are walking cadavars. You can last two weeks without food, but only a few days without water. At the start of the outbreak, wherever you are, fill up every bath, sink, bucket and bowl in your area. Even if you leave this area those passing through later will be very thankful, as will you when you fancy a bath later.
• Access to food: calmly proceed to your nearest supermarket and ransack it for as many canned goods as you can find, these will last longer and generally dont always require cooking. Try to go when there are no crowds as infection from a bite doesn’t always transform straight away, you dont want to be in a crowd when this happens. As the days go by untapped or barely tapped depositories for long-life food like this will become a high necessity.
• Wide open spaces: you dont want to be stuck in a corner when members of the infected arrive, also in areas of high population there will be a characteristically high infection rate and larger hordes. Think countryside manor (28 Days Later) but not the mall (Dawn of the Dead) as you will only end up cornering yourself. Mistakes get made when you are tired and hungry, don’t make them when you still have strength – get out.
• Access to weapons: These will be useful but don’t get too focused on these. The more you focus on looking for something difficult to find the more you are taking away from your other senses that you will need to avoid the horde. Remember: Weapons are Second. In some countries guns are not readily available and there are only so many bullets. Become practiced with more readily available weapons, i.e. blunt instruments (baseball bats, crow bars, spades, fire irons, swords, spears and so on) and learn to make a bow and arrow.
• Access to vehicles: Not as important as weapons, these make noise, require fuel, break down, trap you inside, are flammable, and, if they are a horse, are edible.
• Remember: Avoid, avoid, avoid. Do not willingly enter into confrontation with a member of the horde. Noise, movement and smell (in some cases) all attract attention. Skirt around the edge of large population areas, travel in small groups, adopt a nomadic life (The Walking Dead, Robert Kirkman) and keep up the hope that someone smarter than you are is out there with the cure or a big gun.

So now you are on your way to becoming a profession Zombie Survival Analyst, gleefully toting a baseball bat into the Zombie apocalypse, cans of mystery meat in your backpack and a bath full of water waiting round the bend. Remember, as your dentist says, “prevention is the best cure!”,  so dont get bitten.

Reading List

The Walking Dead, Robert Kirkman

World War Z, Max Brooks

Zombie Survival Guide, Max Brooks

Book of the Dead, John Skipp and Craig Spector.

The Walking Dead (comic book series), Robert Kirkmen

I Am Legend, Robert Matheson